


Shattered Mirror

by KhadaVengean



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Akira says the f word a lot, Angst, Ann is awesome and a great friend, But this is so depressing, F/M, Female Kurusu Akira, Heartbreak, Let Sakamoto Ryuji Say Fuck, My tags are getting worse, Pining, Sad, Sakamoto Ryuji Needs a Hug, Self-Indulgent, Unrequited Love, Valentine's Day, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24952480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KhadaVengean/pseuds/KhadaVengean
Summary: To love a dead is a sentence for the living.F!Akira x Akechi / Onesided! Ryuji x F!Akira
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, onesided Sakamoto Ryuji / Kurusu Akira
Comments: 6
Kudos: 46





	Shattered Mirror

**Author's Note:**

> Being sick definitely has its advantages. I can finally work on the list I have been postponing for months now. 
> 
> Quick explanation: it plays during Valentine's day, Akechi has been killed in Shido's palace (or not, I still have no freacking clue tbh, because Akechi is basically Schroedinger's cat) and Ryuji loves her, like really, he does. This was orignally planned to be like a four kind thing (F!Akira loves Akechi, Ryuji loves Akira, Ann loves Ryuji and Morgana loves Ann) but then I thought: nah, let's leave it with two or my brain will just explode. 
> 
> Wrote this in one go in two hours. Regret nothing. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it and criticism is always appreciated. Especially about Ryuji - I really want to do him justice. 
> 
> English is not my first langauge. Please be aware of that.

Flowers. Chocolates. Love confessions. Maybe, if you are really lucky, even a proposal.  
  
But just like There are winners out there, the majority forgets about the losers. The ones who dont have a partner, due to being lonely, anxious, or simply unlucky that they haven't found someone to spend this magical day in the commercial industry.  
  
Akira Kurusu's first valentine's day in Tokyo was an episode of mixed feelings.  
  
Leblanc was closed for the evening. Boss had already gone home – the feeling of his pitiful Gaze on her face when he went along the counter, her telling him that she didn't have anything to do for this evening – and the cafe seemed incredibly empty. Not lonely, absolutely not, but the presence of a well liked customer would make a significant difference.  
  
"Akira"? The good part of her day spoke through the cafe, the boyish voice echoing through the space she called her home. More home than her old room in the town she was born in. "Are you alright?"  
  
"No worries," she replied absentmindedly, the process of preparing coffee becoming a habit to her motor activity. As soon as she lifted the can from its original spot, the mingle of her bracelet interrupted the peaceful, somber silence and the weight on her wrist was a sign of mockery. Laughing at her for being so foolish and naive.  
  
The sight of red eyes and a timid shy smile flashed in front of her mind, shaggy brown hair reaching his chin, the sight of pearly white teeth when he flashed his most disarming smile in front of the camera.  
  
Hesitating and warm lips on her forehead, despite the wetness of the rain on her skin and the added weight to her wrist. If it would go according to the laws of physics, she'd feel a light heaviness dragging it down.  
  
Instead, her limp never felt lighter and the corners of her mouth were frozen in time – beaming at him, accepting his gift.  
  
Akira had to sigh, combing through her dark locks with her index- and middle finger. Morgana's curious eyes followed her profile and his tail twitched from side to side. The white mouth being drawn to a...

  
.. pout?  
  
"Is there something on your mind?"  
  
Pouring the coffee into a mug, she pulled down her apron and shook her mane once more. She passed Mona, sitting expectantly on the floor, studying her movement. As soon as she sat in a booth, he followed her on a table and waited for her answer.  
  
She felt the weight on her chest, which nearly crushed her lungs – and especially her heart – when she felt the words floating on the tip of her tongue, itching to flow down and finally leaving her with its bitter taste.  
  
She hadn't admitted this to anyone ever since this moment three months ago.  
  
"I miss him."  
  
The moment that made her cry and weep into her pillow for months. The last time she did this was when Shido sued her and she was condemned a criminal, unworthy of anything human. Trash, belonging to the lowest line of society.  
  
Funny how he seemed to be the exact opposite. But fate – or, when she thought about it more clearly but refused to accept it – the will of higher beings that she couldn't have imagined to exist, pulled the strings and entwined theirs to become enemies.  
  
Or so they had planned. Instead, they became the exact opposite – star-crossed lovers, finding the same star the brightest, being United under the same sky, but still so far away from each other, with only the moon and the stars as their witness.  
  
"I miss him so much."  
  
She had to clench her teeth. The pain forbid the tear from falling down, keeping it locked inside her eyes and her heart.  
  
She had already shed so many tears. The realization of him being a traitor, the bitterness of their first kiss, the moment when she stood in front of a random sewer, ready to throw the bracelet into the dirt .  
  
Morgana bristled, obviously. She wasn't surprised - he was, after all, one of the members who spoke against it the most, despite wishing her the best for her feelings. He always had the bigger picture in front of his eyes; meanwhile she was only focused on a stupid high school romance with a murderer, who used his charm to talk sweetly to all his fans and who was the only one who ripped her heart right out of her chest when the wall fell and separated them cruelly.  
  
"Akira..."  
  
"Sometimes, I think that we could have led a good life together." She played with the silver bracelet, and rubbed the little blue butterfly between her thumb and index finger. It grew warm between her fingers but the sight of it brought nothing but a cold, menacing sensation into her chest, freezing her lungs and cutting of all oxygen.  
  
But she kept it on. She had cried when they took it from her when she went to Juvenile hall, felt her heart clench when she got it back and put it back to its rightful place.  
  
Maybe she had more masochistic tendencies than she thought.  
  
"If the metaverse wouldn't have existed, we could have lived the life we wanted. Peaceful, without a probation or fans bothering us, not to mention shadows and mental shutdowns and psychotic breakdowns." A laugh escaped her lips, but it sounded so hollow in that moment. Without a beginning and without an end. "Maybe I would have come back after finishing my third year in high school. Visiting the same university as him, moving to the same apartment and just happy that we could spend our time together. Away from society's judging eye, without any gossip ringing behind our backs and just being content."  
  
Peace. Tranquility. Simple problems like which sofa or which mattress to buy or how to spend their time on a Sunday. Cooking together or scraping a little bit of their money to go out.  
  
These were the kind of problems she wanted to have. The emotional vision she had in store for them.  
  
Not a probation; death, blood, mankind's darkest face right in front of her own. Being accused for a crime she didn't commit because someone had too much power. Hell, she helped to overthrow an entire political party, she changed society in its very core and helped so many other people by punishing those rotten adults by changing their heart.  
  
She could be declared a hero – she was the one who led the finishing blow to the calamity who wanted to imprison this entire world. She kept her friends, she was declared free and was her own person again.  
  
But the bitterness of his loss was a bad aftertaste.

“I know it’s ridiculous. After everything he had done, to Futaba and Haru and after all the lies he had told me, I shouldn’t think like that. I should be happy that he used his chance to come to his senses and yet-”

She could still feel it. His embrace, his arms around her shoulders, telling her about the things he had wanted to do after school. Join the SIU, becoming a detective, carrying out his own sense of justice. In his weakest moments, and she hated herself for calling it _weak_ as an afterthought, he even thought about them. As a unit, as a duo, as a couple. What to do after they graduated. 

What a joke it was. Every kiss, every caress, even the bracelet around her wrist was nothing but a lie. Lies, lies, lies. When she thought about it, what was fake and what was real?

“I still miss him.” A snort out of her mouth, hollow and sharp. “I’m really an idiot.”

Morgana looked away. He didn’t say a word  and the silence was both the greatest mockery and the greatest comfort he could give her. 

But like a bull in a china shop, the bell echoed through the hollow cafe and the black haired girl growled inwardly. Of course she forgot to turn the sign.

“I’m sorry, but the store is already closed-”

“What, you want to throw me out?”

The smile of Ryuji greeted her in her dark and gloomy day and brought a small ray of light into her heart. “Ryuji.”

“Hey, what’s up?” He looked at the empty boots. “Already closed?”

“Sojiro decided to close up shop. I’m just doing the dishes.”

“Oh.” A blink, dumbfounded expression on his features let her smile. “You want something? It’s on the house.”

“No way I’m saying no to that!”

He took a seat on the booth in the middle of the shop, pulled down his jacket and stretched his arms over his head. His shoulders popped and Akira winced a little bit at the sound. “No one visiting you today?”

“Do you see anyone here?”

Her voice was sharper than she intended. An edge she normally didn’t have in her organ. Her breath hitched at the sole thought and she bit her lip. A sigh. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be rude.”

“No problem. Can’t imagine that it’s easy.”

With his soda in her right and her coffee in her left hand she put both on the table, undid the knot of her apron and let it slide on the space right next to her. The familiar feeling of pain beneath her temples returned and pressed her fingers on the spots after pulling down her glasses.

“Headache again?”

“No matter who much I try to get rid of it, they come back every time. Especially in Juvie.” 

Tension filled silence fell over them and she watched with narrowed eyes how her best friend drank his soda with a small number of words. He sighed, rubbed the back of his neck and played with his fingers, his dark eyes searching for hers.

She stared into her coffee, saw her reflection in the brown liquid and she let her shoulders fall. “Ryuji, can I ask you something?”

He looked up from his own thoughts. “Uh, yeah, sure. What’s up?”

“Is there any reason why you visit me during Valentine’s day? Isn’t there any other place you want to visit during such a day?”

His eyes widened, his face turned red and he obviously tried to find the words to explain himself. His arms moved, his hands went all the way, but in the end, he let his shoulders slump down and he looked with resignation at her wrist. Her eyes followed him and a sharp sting of anger pierced her heart.

“Ryuji-”

“Before you get any idea, let me explain myself.” He rose his hands and it looked like he was the criminal and she was the interrogater. The sole thought let her nearly vomit, thinking that it had only been one day where she got out of Juvenile Hall and back to her freedom.

“Put your hands down.” Her voice didn’t even sound half as authorative as she had wanted. “Please.” Her voice became a wince.

He followed, put his hands under the table. “I was worried about you.”

“Worried?” Any kind of response escaped her thoughts. “But...why?”

“Why? You’ serious?” He looked at her dumbfound. “You just returned back from Juvie and got stuck here, alone. Just wanted to make sure that you’re not just sitting here around.”

“But Morgana is here with me-,” she spoke when she looked to the side and speaking of the devil, he was nowhere in sight. “Morgana?” She rose from her seat, looked behind the counter and up the stairs. “Morgana, where are you?”

“He probably just ran off. Or he’s already gone to sleep, you know him.”

She sighed, returned to the booth and folded her arms on the surface. “Are you sure you want to stick with me this evening? Isn’t there anyone who you’d like-”

“I’m not leaving you alone. That’s for sure.” The way his voice boomed after interrupting her question made her shiver. Akira looked at her hands. 

“ _Do you really think that I leave you like this after such a call? I’m staying. No discussion.”_

Someone else said the exact same thing after she received a defining call of her mother regarding her situation after she returned from probation. He was determined, ready at her beck and call and it was the first time he embraced her after she broke down in tears and she clung to him for dear life.

“To be honest, I didn’t even know if it was alright to come here, but I just wanted to try. Make sure you’re alright and not drinking coffee until dawn to not get any sleeps.”

And despite the gloomy atmosphere around her snapping at her nerves and eating her inside in huge bites, she managed out a laugh.

But the difference between laughing and crying was such a fine line. Lean to one side and you laugh so much that your stomach and your lungs hurt and you are boneless after that.

Lean to the other side and your laugh turn to hiccups and tears of laughter turn to tears of sadness and nothing is like it was before.

Akira felt herself walking on this thin line and she took a deep breath to regain her balance.  “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“No problem. Anything for you.” He shot her the grin that was capable to ease all her worries in one flash. She leaned back against the soft cushion and crosses her legs, putting her hands on her thighs.

He smiled back. And the evening seemed to be much more bearable after all the thoughts that had plagued her mind. Yet, the weight on her wrist felt like a spiky bracelet with the sharps on the inside, piercing through her skin and her veins.

It hurt. It burned, it was icy cold, it felt numb, there were too many sensations. Her nerves were going into overdrive and she could only sit by and listened to his talks about his ma, about the times at school when she was still imprisoned.

“I can’t believe I’m going to say it. But I’m happy when I go to school again.”

A snort escaped his mouth – so loud and rambunctious that the walls shook and the floor beneath them vibrated. “Oh man, you really are effing crazy!”

“Can’t say I’ve ever been not crazy.”

“Too true. But hey, being crazy lets someone stuck together.”

“True. Can’t believe all that stuff that happened.”

“Me neither. It’s effing crazy if you think about it.” A lamp suddenly went on over his head. “Now that I think about it, imagine you would have stepped into effing Kamoshida’s car that day. You remember?”

And she wouldn’t have imagined that one single sentence was able to turn the evening that started horribly and went into the right direction, it make a 180° turn and she felt her insides clench. A hand shot through her chest, grabbed her heart and with every heartbeat, it tried to rip it out.

The bracelet on her wrist was a weight dragging it down into the table and she was sure that she’d never be able to lift her hand ever again. The feeling of a kiss on her forehead on a rainy day was an acid touch and scorching her skin, his arms around her shoulders and at some time around her waist were shackles ready to cut of all her freedom.

And the doors to her heart were torn apart with one kick and she didn’t know  _what to do._

“Y-you’re right.” She looked at her hands. Blinking hundreds of times in one second to ban away the tears. This time, there would be no one to keep her company to wipe her tears away. She couldn’t ask Ryuji to do that, considering how much he hated his guts. “It’s funny.”

Funny?

Had she entered that care on that fateful day last April, she wouldn’t have found the castle with Ryuji. She would never have met Morgana, never awakening her persona, never forming the Phantom Thieves with Ryuji, Ann and Morgana. And during that TV trip, she would have just been another student, listening to the high and mighty Goro Akechi without keeping much thoughts about his words and just shrugging it off.

Someone else would have been there to keep her company, if she had any friends at all.

When she thought about it, was it really her own life? When did her own life end and the strings of a malevolent god begin? Where was the line where she could call all the decisions she made her _own_ and wasn’t controlled by the thing that made her play against the boy she loved and still did?

“Akira?”

She looked up and she didn’t look into red orbs, but brown ones, staring at her in worry. “Akira?!”

And one of a sudden, she felt something wet trail down her cheek and dripping down her chin on her lap. Her hands curled to fists and she pulled her shoulders as close to her body as possible. “Sorry, it’s just-”

Nothing. There was nothing. No one to greet her the same way he did, no one who was able to let all these emotions swirl in head and gave her a ray of light after the message of her parents’ divorce filled her with sentiments of guilt and self-hatred. Back then, she had wondered how if it was her fault.

He eased her worries, embraced her and just listened to her.

Ryuji was beside her in seconds, his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close. And the weight of an arm forced everything out of her that she had kept inside herself ever since he sacrificed himself in the engine room after he threatened to kill her.

“I-” She buried her face in his chest, clutching her wrist with that beautiful, precious and _disgusting_ pierce of jewelry and keeping it close to her chin. “Ryuji, I-”

Only one little thing was necessary to let the deluge begin.

“I miss him so much!”

It began. The tears started to run and she wasn’t sure about the last time she had cried so hard over something. Even after Shido sued her, her tears were shackled around her heart, tightening with every droplet.

This felt like a relieve, like a hand that ripped the chains apart and didn’t even care about lock and key.

“I loved him and this stupid asshole just sacrificed himself for us. He lied to me, he betrayed me, he didn’t even care one fucking moment for me and only thought about himself! He was such an idiot for only focusing on that fucking monster and he left me alone and I still miss him! I-I-”

And after that, no more words could be spoken. Only inaudible mumbling was thrown through the room along with her cries of release and sadness. The weight was crumbling, but only the smallest part was falling down and allowing the release.

The arm tightened around her shoulder. He caressed her hair and simply let her lull back and forth.

“I’m such an idiot! I knew he was our enemy and I still was so freaking dumb to fall in love with him and now I sit here on fucking _Valentine’s day_ and cry over someone who is fucking dead!”

She was pressed tight against his chest and she wasn’t sure his heartbeat couldn’t get any clearer with her proximity.

“What the hell is this shit?!”

“Akira.” His hand rested on her scalp. A weight that told her the thing she needed to know.

She was here. She was breathing. The world was not ending. The pain will subside.

And so, without any bit of hesitation, she cried until her eyes were empty of all possible tears she could shed over Goro Akechi.

And even thinking about his name was less painful. It hurt like fucking hell, it was like a scorching spear right through her heart. Maybe she became used to the pain.

She surely hoped she didn’t.

* * *

_With a peaceful expression that was the complete opposite of the words she spoke, Akira Kurusu fell asleep, curled into a fetus and clutching her pillow to her chest. Ryuji put the blanket over the rest of her body, tucking her in properly and sitting on the edge of the bed with his arms dangling between his legs and his head hanging low._

_He checked his phone and it was way past midnight. Too late to get home so he quickly texted his mother that she wouldn’t worry about it. With a groan, as quiet as possible to not disturb the girl sleeping behind him, he rubbed the back of his neck and rubbed his face._

_A shriek nearly escaped him when his phone vibrated in his hand. A quick look let him sigh in relief and shiver in fear. With only a hint of hesitation, he picked up the call and held it close to his ear. “Ann, what’s up?”_

“ _How did it go?”_

_Another groan and he rose from the bed to the couch and let himself fall. He needed to make himself comfortable enough to sleep on the old thing. “She’s asleep. It...wasn’t nice, to be fair.”_

_A sigh from the other line and he could hear her emotions right away. “I can imagine that. But, Ryuji, seriously, you are killing yourself with that. Why are you visiting her on Valentine’s day after all this stuff with Akechi?”_

“ _You seriously asking me that? You should have seen her, Ann. She’s absolutely not over him and I didn’t want her to suffer on such a date.”_

“ _Ryuji, I think that’s very noble, but you must know that she also needs time for herself to adjust. She just came back from Juvenile Hall, give her some time.”_

“ _And what, leave her with all that shit for herself by dealing with the fucking things this asshole left for her? Nothing but problems and pain and I won’t just be sitting by and twirling my thumbs when I could just help her!” His hiss was hot-tempered and it was difficult enough to control his voice when he thought about the boy who ruined Akira’s life with his fucking methods. “This is not my style, Ann, and you know it!”_

“ _Seriously, Ryuji. This is great and all, but you mustn’t forget what you want. If you keep this up, you might just end up as Akechi’s substitute, whether Akira notices it or not. This is impossibly the thing you want!”_

_A sigh, deep and long and directly out of his lungs. “Why the eff are you always right about this, Ann?”_

“ _I know you and Akira and I care for both of you. I can’t just sit so close and not voice my thoughts._ _Ryuji, you will be the one losing in the end. You know that.”_

“ _Ann, I-” A pause, his oxygen cut off with one strike and he could feel the sweat starting to form on his hands. “I’ll call you in the morning. Sorry, but I need to get my stuff sorted out.”_

_Silence. Nothing, until her voice reached him. “Alright. Call me if you need anything, I will keep it on loud.”_

“ _I will, thanks.”_

_And so, he pressed the red button and let it dangle between his hands. Conjured pressure on the device and softened his grip. He once again looked at the black haired girl, heard her whimper in her sleep,_ _though_ _he had to do everything to not go to her. She needed her sleep, she needed to rest after all the stuff she had been put through._

_He looked outside, at the cool stars and moon and felt the lump tighten in his throat. He tried to gulp it down, but nearly chocked on its mere size. “The eff am I even doing?”_

_This wasn’t his business. He should stay out of it, but it was Akira. The girl who gave him so much in the year he knew her. The girl who quickly became his inseparable person. No matter what would trouble her, Ryuji was determined to even move the moon and the stars to the sides to get it done._

_But she didn’t want this. She wanted something or rather someone else. And both of them were so completely different_ _that there was hardly a similarity between them. The only thing that they had in common was the asshole of a father terrorizing them._

_And the sole realization nearly let him choke on his own saliva._

_He stood up, went over to her bed and sat on the edge of her bed again. Her saw her calm face and her serene expression, the way she slept. Sometimes, she frowned a little bit and winced but quickly let it dissolve again and was back to her peace._

_With a heavy sigh and a heavy heart, Ryuji put his hand on her head and let his thumb run over her scalp. All of a sudden, Akira smiled a little bit._

_Whether with or without him, if Akira was happy…_

_-that’s all he could ever want._


End file.
